How to talk to a Magic Mirror

So, recently I got this job inspecting magic mirrors, to make sure their omniscience and such is all up to code. And I struck upon several tricks to make them tell you things they didn't intend to.

Step 1: First, get friendly with the mirror. It doesn't matter how weird the apparition is, treat it as human.

Step 2: Ask it what makes it special. They enjoy knowing that they're appreciated.

Step 3: After you know what it's area of expertise is, tell it that that's just the coolest thing (Chances are, it is.).

Step: 4: This is where the tricks come in. Ask it a riddle. They love them. So much. Since when you ask them questions they always reply in riddles, this will confuse them slightly.

Step 5: Ask your question. Tell them that if they need a riddle-

^You should break off there. They'll interrupt you, telling you whatever you want. It's sort of like jailbreaking a cellphone.

I hope you find this useful! I sure do.

Decapitation problems

Dear sir-

It has come to my attention that I am blind. I rolled my eyes, and can't find them because I lost my head. I rather think I need help, as it is rather hard for a blind, headless individual to make a living. I would be grateful if you could help me find my head, but job openings would also be very much appreciated if that is not possible.

Sincerely,
Dale K.

Well this is by far the strangest one we've gotten. I'll try...

1. Where were you when you realized you were blind? Did you have a head then?

2. Have you put adds in the paper? Someone's bound to notice a head sitting around.

3. Are you still able to hear? If so, maybe it's only part of your head that's missing.

4. Job openings... Perhaps you could get a job at a horror show?

5. You could go and find a mad scientist. They're always looking for intact human bodies to put heads on. No, I'm serious.

Go try things. Don't let ANYONE rip you off. It's racist to discriminate against people without heads.

Airship Captains and Rambunctiousness

This is from a girl in Vorschia who signed as E.R.M.

To whom it may concern: 

I have six, wild, rambunctious airship captains constantly using my house as a rest stop on their journeys. It is becoming most disturbing to my busy schedule. Do you have any suggestions on how to either drive them out, or make such an arrangement more livable?

Many thanks, 

E.R.M.

1. On the subject of driving them out, perhaps just stop feeding them? I doubt that they would  stay if you didn't feed them.

2. To drive them out, you could simply tell them that there's a house a couple miles down the airlane that has treasure.

3. Cut their anchor cables.

4. More liveable? Put a dock on top of your house. I imagine the anchors have been tearing your garden to shreds. If you give them something to moor on, then they won't drop anchor and destroy anything.

5. If all else fails, there's always dynamite. :D

Make sure you aren't being rude, but definitely be firm. This is your life, you don't need it interrupted so often.

How to defeat Winged Monkey

To whom it may concern-

My house is plagued by pirate monkeys. Besieged by them, to be exact. I am running out of food, and my shotgun just broke. Please help.

Sincerely, Ugle E.

P.S. These monkeys can fly. Here's the request I'll be working on today:

Well, I would suggest trying to reason with them, first of all. If this fails, here's a list of household objects that can be used as effective weapons against monkeys.

1. Silverware. This can be used as projectiles, stabbers, or clubs, depending on the size.

2. Frying pans and skillets. These are invaluable for clubs, and if heated on a stove will be more effective.

3. Do you know any magic at all? If so, the spell "Vortectis Mortruis" should help you out. If not, you won't remember the spell, so don't waste time trying.

4. Lay different traps througout your house. Put nets in the doorways and broken glass on the floors. Wear thick boots.

5. If all else fails, cut up as many onions as you have. This will drive them away forever. This is only ot be used as a last resort, because it will hurt you nearly as much as them.

Be careful, and don't let your guard down.

Dragon temper tantrums

So, last night we got this request from a girl named Cinders in the kingdom of Eveynia:

To Whom it May Concern - My pet dragon Aurik has been having terrible temper tantrums lately (he is 2 months old) and keeps burning down the house. Literally. How should I deal with this?
Sincerely,
Cinders

Ps: He has also taken an interest in my next door neighbour's children as a potential food source, so if you had a way to convince him that they do not taste good that would be helpful too. Thanks.

 I decided it would probably be in the best interest of all involved if I got to work right away.

1. Are you sure of your dragon's age? Most dragons aren't yet big enough to blow fire or eat anyone when they're only two months old. Did you hatch the dragon yourself, or get him pre-hatched? Look into that, simply because I'm curious. Also, take him to Dr. Fernost, who I hear is in Eveynia at the moment. He's a veterinarian who specializes in the more dangerous animals.

2. Do you know what kicks off these temper tantrums? If it's a word or action, simply stop using that word or performing that action. This may be as simple as an expression that you use all the time, like "And how?" or "Strewth!"

3. It's possible that your dragon is ill. This can be caused by numerous things, such as accidental swallowing of the flammable venom used in fire breathing, and this can lead to bouts of frustration with the dragon's miserable condition. If this is the problem, ask your apocathrist for Dr. Earnest Drake's Dragon Linctus, which will heal poor Aurik up in a jiffy.

4. Until you figure out what the problem is, make sure Aurik isn't eating any marshwort. This is one of the three main plants that dragons eat which allows them to breath fire, and the only one native to Eveynia.

5. As for the children, I would say... make a scarecrow out of himmleweed, and dress it as a child. Leave Aurik alone with it, with no supervision at all. After he eats it, I can promise you he will never wish to eat a child again.

Remember: Dragons are complicated creatures. Keep looking at different options until one works.

*photo credit to hidanthedark on deviantart

Requests

Here's the post to comment on if you want me to work on something in particular. Feel free to comment if you have any questions!

How to wish with a genie

Alright! A lot of heroes have this problem: You find a genie lamp, but the genie is surly and doesn't want to give you what you want.

I've compiled a list of things to do in case you find a lamp.

1. Never say that you wish something unless you want the genie to enact your words. This can be difficult, but it pays off in the end.

2. Be friendly with the genie. Genies are not generally evil, per se, but they will take a dislike to you immediately if you try to dominate them. They are far more powerful than you can imagine, and an angry genie is a dangerous thing.

3. Don't try to trick the genie. I can almost guarantee that it's smarter than you. If you succeed, the genie will figure it out eventually. As I said before, and angry genie is a very dangerous thing.

4. Make wise wishes. If the genie is inherently evil, as some are, then he will try to twist your words and do something terrible. Don't let him.

5. Wait a while before making a wish. If you still want the wish after a week of thinking about it, then ask the genie for it. While it may seem annoying at first, it will make your wish much more fulfilling.

Don't forget: This is YOUR genie. Don't let someone else make your wishes for you.